Its Always Changing

As I write these words today it is an amazing 61 degrees outside!  After a warm summer these temperatures feel great!  The chill in the air signals that a change is on the way, and fall has arrived.  I absolutely love this time of year, the array of colors in the trees, the crisp mornings, the feel of a warm drink on a cool day.  As with any change of season it seems that there are lessons for us to learn as we observe creation.  I can’t help but notice that as the leaves begin to fall the trees do not hang on with dear life but rather release.  I was thinking about that concept this morning.  The trees do not hold to the leaves of the past year but instead let them go.   Despite the fact that they will be bear, despite the fact that they have no clue how cold or mild the winter might be.  Instead without any effort to retain they release their coverings.  Perhaps the trees know that if they do not release the dying leaves they can never be prepared for the new growth that will take place in the spring?

The lesson in my life in this season of fall is to learn to release that which I can’t control.  Now that is easier said than done!  Having stated that confession up front, I will go on to say that it is necessary for new emotional, spiritual, and physical growth.  Letting go of something or someone is so hard.  Indeed there are times that we do not need to do so, but many times it is in the letting go of what we cannot control that we find hope.  It is in the releasing that we are opened up for the new things that God may be bringing into our lives.  What a tragedy it would be for the trees to hold on to all of their leaves!  For if they were unwilling to release the dying leaves of fall they would never be allowed to showcase the beauty and hope of spring.  Such is the case in our lives, we trust that the God who brings us to the places that we must release, will give us the help to do so, and will also be the same God who restores and makes all things new!

Peace,

Travis

I don't even care

So I have often said that this blog will include confessionals, so here is one from yours truly.  I have spent way too much of my life trying to please others... Most of my life I have cared deeply about other people's opinions of me, from whether they liked my shirt to whether they thought I was too fat.  It really wasn't a conscious decision and had you asked me, I would have said, oh no I am my own person, I am not wrapped up in everyone's opinion.  Truth was, deep down, I was concerned.  I can remember when I was actively running and the cars would pass by I would think, "I hope they don't think I'm a joke, a pudgy boy trying to get some exercise." Also I would think "I bet these people are thinking "he needs some exercise!"

Yes, I have spent so much of my life secretly worrying about what everyone thought, until. I wish I could say I and some epiphany where I had a light shine from heaven and reveal to me how harmful my thought patterns were, but I didn't.  Actually it was just a new awareness, maybe it comes with age, maybe it comes with experience, perhaps it comes from feeling unconditional love from my wife, or maybe its all of these?  I don't know but as I was walking on a busy main st recently it occurred to me, I don't care!  I sincerely don't care!  I don't care if the people passing by are having negative thoughts toward me.  I don't care if they dislike my choice of shoes or if the shirt I am wearing clings to me and reveals my excess skin from all the weight I have lost.  I don't care!  For the first time I was just proud of myself, proud for actually getting out and moving, getting some much needed exercise.  I felt genuine appreciation and love for myself.  Wow, what a better feeling than shame, concern, or embarrassment!  

I want to let you know today it is ok being exactly as you are and feeling exactly what you feel.  I want to invite you to the place where you can embrace yourself and make changes for your sake not because of what others may or may not be saying around you.  I invite you to not care.  No matter whether your struggle is weight issues, the loss of a loved one, the grief of transition in your job or relationship, please accept yourself and what you are feeling in this moment.  I encourage you, surround yourself with friends and loved ones who love you like you should be loving yourself.  If they can't do that and they need to move on, then so be it.  Love your self to day and if others do not love you, don't even care ;)

Peace,

Travis 

I never signed up for this!

I wish I could remember exactly how I Imagined my adult life would be when I was a child.  I am sure that I had aspirations of some fame and maybe a small fortune?  Or maybe I just imagined that it would be cool to set my own bedtime or to be able to drive my self down to the ice cream stand?  To be honest I can't remember, I wish I could, but I can't.  Even though my memory may be fuzzy here I am certain that I never quite imagined my adult life to be what it is today.  To be fair I have had experiences that have been amazing, breathe taking moments that still make me shake my head because I feel so lucky to have experienced them.  But also to be fair, I have had a lot of experiences that have left me broken.  Experiences that still cause fear and pain even in this very moment, as I write these words.   

It has been in these moments, the ones that leave life long scars that I have wanted to cry out, "I never signed up for this!!" Maybe I didn't "sign up for this," but I did sign on to this.  Sure we never planned for the pain.  Whether we contributed to its cause or it was completely out of our control, nevertheless it wasn't our plan.  However it is our life.  Whether our choice or not it is our journey (yes I realize how over used that phrase is in our culture) When as a child, I would lie under the stars on hot steamy July evenings in the foothills of upstate South Carolina, I never wished that "by the time I am 36 I hope that I can be divorced, remarried, have finical struggles, battle obesity, and wrangle with anxiety and depression!" Who in their right mind would dream of such!?  But this is my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  

I find it peculiar about myself that I gravitate to the power of my fears and failures rather than my past successes. Whenever I have to make tough decisions, whenever I am faced with uncertainty it never fails that my mind is ravaged with thoughts of failure, mistake, and past regrets.  Once those thoughts cycle through I then project how terrible the future could be.  I love to play the "what if" game as I juggle future plans and decisions.  Of course some of this is just wise self-preservation, hopefully we learn from past mistakes, but so much of this for me is unhealthy.  So unhealthy that I can get so marred down that I can't move right or left!  But what about my successes!?  The reality is I have had some of those as well. 

I am at a stage in my life where I am challenging myself to live in possibility.  My personal work has been to summon up my memories of strength.  I know without a doubt that I stand at a crossroads today. (Ironic since my name means "at the intersection or crossroads") The joy I have is that I do not stand there alone.  I have an amazing partner in my wife, whose power, strength, beauty, and intelligence could never be adequately described with just words.  I won't even try.  I also do not stand-alone because I believe in a calling and I do believe in God.  I am not the one who quotes a lot of scripture or has nice padded sayings displayed but I do have a personal faith.  For those who know me you know that faith is hard to describe and it does not fit into many molds that we like to use when it comes to these categories.  This has led to much frustration for some whom both I love and love me.  Though I feel I have a faith firmly rooted in Christianity.  

Even though I stand at a crossroads and perhaps it is one of the most precarious crossroads I have ever faced, I do believe that that the God who loves me, and has guided me, and has provided the love in my wife and partner, will also be the God who continues to sustain and guide.  My hope is that I will make any decision as I move forward not based in the control of fear but rather informed by experience and ultimately in the belief that "I can by God's help succeed." Sure I may have not signed up for this but with all the twists, turns, dips, highs, and lows it has been an amazing ride so far.  I believe that it will continue to be so.  I never signed up for this, but I am sure glad that I signed on!

Grace,

Travis (the one at the crossroads)

Beyond Belief

Most all of you have heard them.  The catchy phrases used to try to communicate something that is hard to communicate with language.  Phrases like “let go and let God,” “when God closes one door God opens another”, or “It all happens for a reason, it will all work out.”  Maybe at times, you like me, have become angry when someone says this?  There have been so many times that I felt like saying “seriously… do you mean to tell me that this crisis moment in my life or another’s life can be reduced down to this catchy phrase and this will make me feel better!!?”  I have come to the conclusion that when this is said that it is not someone’s idea of being cute or just a small pep talk.  Instead, I think there are certain things that simply cannot be expressed with words.  Honestly, matters of faith are really hard to describe.  I mean how do we describe that which cannot be seen or touched?  Our entire ability to describe something is based on our senses.  Matters of faith defy all of that; some would say matters of faith even defy logic.  Logic takes us so far then there is that which we can’t be sure of.  Can I prove there is no God? No I can’t!  Can I prove there is a God?  No I can’t!  Either place someone finds themselves, whether to disbelieve in a God or to choose to believe, it is a matter of what is not certain.  

For me, there have been moments of what I can only state are, “sacred moments.”  Standing at the bedside when someone takes their last breathe, I have felt an energy present that charges the room bringing a sense of scared silence.  I have seen peace in the midst of sadness and loss.  Sacred moments when a child is born and the mother or father holds that child for the first time, can you put into words what that feeling is?  Can that be described?  I mean even the word love sounds flat when you use it to describe such moments.  Have you ever seen that water fall or sunrise that just feels so amazing that it catches you off guard or even causes a slight gasp?  It is these “sacred moments” that keep me hoping for more.  These are the moments that lead me past the places where my senses fail me.   Can I prove to you where those moments come from? No, I cannot, but I can tell you that there was a feeling that cannot be described and it certainly cannot be tested or easily reproduced.

 I remember as a child I traveled with a group of friends to a lake and there was this huge (well at the time to my 8 year old judgment it seemed huge) high dive.  I remember watching people scale the heights and take the plunge.  Soon enough I found myself wanting that experience too.  So I climbed what seemed to be a ladder to the stars!  I walked to the edge of the diving board and looked down…I was terrified!  All of my logic said turn around climb back down!! Climb down the ladder go back to what is known and safe and makes sense!  Go back to the ground you felt with your bare feet, where it is solid and safe.  Then there was this part of me that said “Jump!”  It wasn’t audible but it was a feeling, even at 8 years old I felt that if I didn’t jump I was going to miss out on something special.  If I didn’t jump I would regret it.  Not sure exactly what brewed inside of me but that feeling gave me just what I needed to take a deep breath and fall.  It felt as if I fell from the clouds and the feeling was terrifying yet so exhilarating that I couldn’t help but giggle and scream!  It was a risk, a risk of fear, a risk to defy what seemed logical, but a risk I have never regretted taking.  But there I go again, trying to use language to describe something indescribable….

What's your Deal!?

So here we are a new year! I know some of you have contacted me over the years and stated that my story has inspired you in some way. Thank you for letting me know this! Honestly now I am receiving inspiration from your SUCESS! Such is the ebb and flow of life. As I said in my recent post in November I have struggled but now I am trying to refocus. Thank you to you my friends, family, and followers I haven't even met for your inspiration. So I ask what's your deal? What are you hoping to achieve in 2014? For me it is weight loss and health but what's your goal? This blog has always been about health and wellness. So, what's your goals for 2014 to be healthier? Are they finical, emotional, physical, or spiritual goals? Feel free to comment below so we can encourage one another!

Til next time,
Travis

Dance lessons?

Thought I would dust the old cobwebs off the keyboard and update the online world with my presence! ;)  Been a while since I updated the ye old blog!  I have heard it said, “Silence is golden,” but in my case its not… In my case silence is, well… silence is terrible because my silence has been indicative of my exercise and weight loss… non-existent.  The last year has been filled with great personal joys and changes in my life.  Since my last blog I changed where I worked, which took me to Charlotte, NC where I continue offering grief counseling.  This move changed more than my location, it also changed my support network.  I am not able to work with my friend and trainer, with whom I worked with to lose all of the 230 pounds I lost!  I would have never believed that after all this time and knowing what “I should do” and “how to do it,” that I would fail to exercise and keep on top of my health… but I have.  I have always said that when I write, I will be authentic.  Truth is I am struggling.  I am trying to get back on track.  There are many “reasons” that I could list for my lapse but in reality they do little to comfort me from the reality. 

So of course I am not writing today just to have confession, I am also writing because I am convinced that there are others who can relate.  I believe that others who read this have tried and failed and tried again and failed again.  No matter what the struggle, whether that be weight loss or some other personal goal, life is full of success and failure.  Indeed life is full of the “two steps forward and one back, and then two ahead again.” My point is that I don’t want to stop trying.  I will keep up the unpleasant dance of success and failure because, besides the fact that it is an awkward dance and at times painful, the song to which we move is beautiful.  This is the song of life. 

Have I gained all my weight back!?  Not by far!  I have gained some weight but that pails in comparison to what I have lost and I will struggle, fight, and scratch my way back.  This is my life long struggle.  I know that no matter how “normal” I eat that it will never be enough.  I have to watch every and I mean every calorie I consume and make sure that I am working hard with my exercise routine.  That is what I am refocusing on now.  I am finding new ways in my new reality to make it work. 

I sure hope to see you out on the dance floor!  Sure we will bump into each other, we will make wrong moves, we will even fall flat on our face from time to time!  Having said all that it is worth the effort!  This being human is hard work and despite the failures there is success and there is joy.  Perhaps it is the fact that we know great sadness that we can also know when we feel great joy?  No matter your struggle, the melody is playing, the song is beautiful, let’s dance! J

Hey it might be a while… but til next time…  ;)

Travis

Maybe this will be our year?

I am embarrassed that my last post was March 2012!!! Of course that lapse of time represents the crazy (but great) changes that have taken place in my life this past year.  I remember this time last year I had high hopes, the last half 2011 had been one of the most challenging periods of my life.  Personally there were many changes and in many ways I struggled to find hope in the future.  I remember ringing in the year of 2012 with a dear friend, who had dealt with their own sadness in 2011, and we discussed the struggles of the past year.  We both stood on the cusp of the New Year with hope and expectation, believing that some how this year would be better.  Perhaps this year we would find healing, direction, and a renewed sense of happiness?  I am happy to say that 2012 has been personally a much better year for me!  I had the privilege of marrying one of the most wonderful women I know!  She has encouraged me and stood along side me as we weathered the storms of the past year, yes 2012 still had its share of storms! 

So enough reminisce, right?  I mean come on Travis, this is a blog about health and wellness so why all the meandering down the path of personal reflection??  :) Glad you asked that question!  It is because our health and wellness is all interconnected.  You can’t completely separate your physical goals from the entirety of who you are as a person!  My personal weight loss and fitness goals suffered over the past year.  During my trials and troubles there were many moments that I battled old habits such as my old nemesis of "comfort eating"!  There were many times that I didn't exercise, to be honest it felt like to do so was giving way more energy than I had.  The strange thing is that when I would force myself to exercise I felt so much better!  Yet even the knowledge of that feeling wasn't enough at times to push me forward.  

I share this because I always wanted this blog to be confessional.  I do not have all the answers and yes I still struggle to maintain my own fitness and wellness goals.  Despite losing over 230 pounds, it is continually a battle for me.  Believe me, I know how hard it is.  This past year I saw moments where I pushed exercise out because I was very busy.  I was doing good things, things that I found satisfaction in.  One thing I have learned in this experience is that no matter whether life is good or bad or in-between, it takes a concentrated effort to be healthy.  In 2013 I am renewing and  increasing my own effort.  I am always looking for people to join me on this adventure! As always I welcome your emails or questions.  

Wishing you a Joyous and Healthy 2013

Travis